Forgiveness... even if you don't love me anymore

The past few days have run the gamut of emotion. So much sadness, yet joy in knowing how many people truly care. It's in times like this that I am humbled by who God is. I am overwhelmed by His grace and His mercy, and His character of compassion shown by so many of His children. I am unequivocally blessed.

After several days of lethargy, I finally trekked over to Rogers yesterday for a much-needed massage and dinner with my good friend Kelly. It's weird sometimes to think back to how people come into our lives. I know Kelly because of my good pal and former roommate Sorne, but I know without a doubt that God gave me Kelly because she is my Barnabus... my encouragement and someone I can always depend on.

Today I went to a birthday party for a friend, then met Kelly and one of her friends for church. Tonight was communion and really an awesome service. I usually go on Sunday mornings, but have no doubt I was meant to be there this evening. (For more about that, visit the other blog.)

Earlier in the week I got a sympathy card from someone whom I've wronged, and it humbled me. It also made me start thinking about forgiveness. It takes so much energy to be angry. So I realized that sometimes forgiveness isn't about the forgiven so much as it's about the forgiver. It's easy to forgive someone who deserves it, but much more difficult and character-building to forgive someone who does not.

But if we really want to be more like Christ, isn't that what we should do? He forgave Judas. Not because of anything Judas had done, but because of who He is. I don't earn His forgiveness for my sin, either, but He gives it freely because that's God.

So I've decided to stop being mad. And yeah, LB doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He was a jerk. He hasn't been a good friend to me when I needed him most. But if I'm ever going to put some feet to this faith, I've got to live it when it's hard.

Olive branch extended. Dinner tomorrow. Much prayer needed.

Letting go, moving on

I hate feeling out of control. Unfortunately, today was one of those days when I had to rely on others to get things done. And I had to resort to my womanly wiles to get my way. And by that I mean baking cookies. So it's no bakes and chocolate chips for the nice web guy who got my pages updated way ahead of schedule. HTML=cookies.

The other thing that's out of my control? Running into exes. Especially exes who were jerks. Yeah, it's been 10 years and I'm still bitter, bitter, BITTER. But I've managed to avoid him for a decade and we live hours apart, so what are the chances of running into him anytime soon?

Turns out pretty good. As in he's on the agenda for a meeting I have to attend on Thursday. Blast.

If only I weighed 50 pounds less. Had a successful husband. Weren't still holding on to being angry. Perhaps he'd find me well adjusted, hotness personified, and letting go of it all.

I know that God's trying to teach me forgiveness here. Yeah, he doesn't deserve it. But sometimes we have to forgive for ourselves, right?

Being the bigger person is so overrated.

The only redeeming feature of this twisted little rendezvous is that I'm the only one of us who knows it's coming. He'll be surprised to see me. He tried to apologize eight years ago, but perhaps this time I'll listen.

Stay tuned.