Overwhelmed

There are so many things I could say right now, but I find myself at a loss. I am utterly and totally overwhelmed. I made it through the past few days without crying a tear, and I'm not sure if that makes me really strong, or really in denial.

My natural inclination to be task-oriented somehow gets me through the hard times. It's easier just to check things off the list and get through what has to be done than to sit around and ask questions or wonder why.

My family has experienced so much loss these past few years. I'm sad, but also feeling very blessed right now. There are moments that I feel so completely alone. But then I get a call or a text or a message from a friend and I realize that I am so very lucky to be surrounded by great people.

My dad was far from perfect, but it was gratifying yesterday to see how many people came out in the rain to pay tribute to him. The funeral director told us it was the biggest turnout he'd ever seen.

Thankfully work has been very supportive, so I have a few more days to catch up on sleep, feel sorry for myself, and finally start to grieve. I'm afraid if I start crying I won't be able to stop. And I know from losing my mom that grief isn't something that comes in waves and then subsides. It's the little things that remind us of those we lost. Yes, time does help, but it never goes away.

Just a few steps from where my dad was buried are Paige, Mom, and my grandfather. So much loss for one family, but so much love, too. I feel blessed to have had all of those people in my life, if only for awhile.

Thanks for all of your prayers. It means more than you can imagine.