For richer, for poorer

Forget living in sin; living in singleness is too expensive a luxury.

As a very happy Ms., I'm seldom in a hurry to rush down the aisle. Granted, I look forward to registering at Pottery Barn and buying fabulous strappy sandals, but the idea of sharing a bed and closet space isn't so appealing. I don't mind saying "I do," but I do mind agreeing to be submissive. I refuse to be seen but not heard.

I have considered taking a husband in the event that I need a bug squashed or a convenient plus one for parties, but when thinking past the honeymoon phase to the part of marriage when men no longer feel the need to close the bathroom door and women no longer feel the need to shave, the idea of being a Mrs. loses a lot of luster. Sometime before the top tier of the wedding cake is removed from the freezer and subsequently finds its way into the trash, the trashy lingerie is somehow replaced by flannel pajamas, and Crappily Ever After begins.

But in these tough times of increased taxes and growing government, I'm seriously thinking about a 1040 marriage. I don't necessarily want to set up house with a hubby, but I would like to celebrate wedded bliss via a joint tax filing. I would love to get a big tax refund to split into our separate bank accounts.

Think about it... all of the benefits of a marriage and none of the inconveniences! A closet and a bed all to myself. An emergency contact but no need to explain why I'm running late or need another pair of black shoes. Wedding gifts but no wedding night. Cash from family and friends for the nuptials; cash from the government for legal bondage.

A marriage of convenience, so to speak.

If the INS investigates so-called "green card marriages," I wonder who would check out a 1040 union for legitimacy. I can see it now... an IRS official deeming my nuptials bogus because we both seem too happy in our separate households. "Ma'am, you don't look mad enough, and sir, you're in too good of shape to be actually married. You're being deported back to the highest tax bracket."

And really, how much would my 1040 marriage change my life, other than possibly a name hyphenation and checking the "married" box on the occasional form? Granted, that would be a really awkward first date conversation to have with someone. And I'd have to change my Facebook status to "in an open relationship," but 1040 hubby and I would never have to argue about whose family to visit during the holidays.

Besides, I could buy so many more handbags with my marriage tax refund.

So if you know any single men looking for a marriage of taxation convenience, send 'em my way. I think this could be the new relationship trend.