The Hillary principle

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend who's been having some marriage problems.One week he told me how much he treasured his wife, and the next he swore he'd fallen out of love.

Now granted, asking me for relationship advice is kind of like asking a man about childbirth. He'll give you lots of theories and tell you what it probably feels like, but if you've never experienced something, it's a bit difficult to recommend a method of coping with it.

Since I've seldom had a thought I didn't utter, I gave my guy pal some pearls of wisdom anyway, starting with: while unskilled in matters of romance and long-term commitment, I figure that love isn't something you choose. It just is. And it doesn't seem to be something that happens instantly, but rather grows over time. So I think it probably takes at least twice as long to fall out of it as it did to fall into it. You may be hurt and angry and sad, but the love doesn't just vanish into thin air, no matter how much you want it to. Believe me, I've tried to make it stop.

And with LB, I didn't even realize I was in love until after I started trying to get out of it.

In my quest for closure, the biggest issue has been wanting to know why he can like me so much as a person, want to be around me all the time, and never consider me dateable. Was I too needy? Too unavailable? Too sarcastic? Did he want someone shorter or younger or in a different profession?

In addition to obsessing over that, I've thought incessantly about the girl he did choose. Don't get me wrong, she's a very nice person, but she's just so generic. What was it about her that's more attractive than me?

Perhaps my problem is that I'm so used to getting my way. To winning. To figuring things out. I remained frustrated by his inexplicable choice.

Until yesterday.

I'm not sure if it was the book I'm reading about Laura Bush, or if it was a great conversation with a smart friend about relationships, but suddenly this whole LB situation became clear: He wanted a Laura Bush, and I'm a Hillary Clinton.

Now hear me out on this one. This isn't about politics, it's about personalities.

See, LB wants a First Lady, and I want to be the President.

You must understand that I'm disturbed by this analogy. I have a lot of respect for Laura Bush; she's gracious and classy and always appropriate. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, is smart and ambitious and savvy, but she's also polarizing and brash.

It must be hard to be married to a Hillary. You never know what she's going to say. And even though she'll stand by you through bad choices and public humiliation, she's not satisfied with the status quo. She pushes the envelope. She's not content just to bask in your spotlight; she wants her own moment to shine.

So maybe it's not anything I did or said. Maybe it's just who I am. And that's okay.

Because somewhere out there is my Bill. Who'll be okay with my ambition. Who understands my narcissistic need to be the center of attention. Who gets me for who I am. I'm not a librarian. I'm a Secretary of State.