Life had other plans

I've recently been blessed to reconnect with a dear friend who's been absent from my life for too long. We were talking last night about the inherent surprise of life, and how many mornings we wake up in a world we didn't expect.

In the big scheme of things, I live a pretty charmed life. I love my job more days than I loathe it. I have friendships far beyond what I deserve. But I never thought I'd be here at this point in my life.

Perhaps because I'm not sure where here is exactly. I have no idea what the etiquette is of living as a middle-aged person. Do I shelve all ambition and coast until retirement? Do I continue to dream big dreams, make big plans, and frantically stave off the aging process? Should I give in to the sweatpants and early bird specials?

Take the newspaper for example. In my 20s, I was looking at wedding announcements. Soon it'll be the obits. Where do the 30 somethings look first? The stock market report is certainly depressing. So I find myself not reading the paper at all, instead getting my news from Comedy Central. It's less depressing when it's delivered in a pithy, sarcastic way.

Forgive me if this post seems sporatic, but I'm still bogged down in this constant state of life purgatory. It's hard to know when to grin and bear it and when to cut bait and run. Because really, at the end of the day, if we had all the things we wanted would it really make us happy, or would we want more things? Different things?

And sometimes, the things that make us worry turn out to not be so painful after all. Such as running into a boy you don't want to. Yeah, it was bound to happen sooner or later when I pass his house twice a day, but can't it be later, when I'm thinner, happier, and feeling more in control?

I'm still praying for peace and guidance.

I suppose that feeling of not being in control of my life is the hardest. I've always had a plan. Always known what I was doing. Now I have no idea. And where I am isn't a bad place, but I constantly wonder if it's the final destination or merely a pit stop made to increase my dependence on God. Give up control of my life.

I don't want to drive anymore.