He said/she said

After more than 20 years of dating (oh, I'm so very tired of dating), I'm not any closer to cracking the guy code. Sure, the prophetic authors of "He's Just Not That Into You" would have us believe that boys are, in fact, not that complicated, and they often say and do exactly what they mean. But if it's so obvious, why did those jokers make millions by simply stating it?

Because at the end of the day, we're tired of dissecting every comment, every glance, and every strategy. I mean, I consider myself a pretty gifted conversationalist. I have a vast vocabulary, especially for Arkansas. I can engage in witty banter with the best of them, and am usually quick with the clever, thoughtful comebacks. Flirting should be easy for me, right?

Not so much these days. While most boys probably can be played on a novice level, occasionally one comes along who defies logic, who must be played on the advanced level. That requires concentration, and much practice.

This probably would be easier had I picked out a boy who doesn't get paid $175 an hour to form arguments and figure out loopholes. I never had this issue when I was dating mechanics and college dropouts.

Now my life is filled with deciphering comments and wishing I'd said something else. I spend my days with the expression of a cow looking at a new gate, attempting to be clever and falling far short.

Guys, you should know that we girls are, in fact, pretty passive aggressive. We've been known to confuse you with conversation and trap you with hypothetical situations. Most of you don't see it coming until you're in trouble. Measure your words, boys, because we certainly are. And now it's coming back to haunt me.

A few months ago I asked the boy if he'd ever dated someone he thought was incredible but he just wasn't attracted to. His response? "No, if I think a girl's incredible, I'm going to be attracted to her." Um, what does that mean? This guy is a conversational wizard! No amount of man trapping has snared him. He talks in circles and makes me dizzy.

This week we had the following conversation:

LB: You know, I'm really bad at this dating thing.
ME: Hmm...
LB: You know what my friends say about me?
ME: That you're really bad at flirting?
LB: Um, no. WHAT? Anyway, they say that I don't pick up on signals very well. That I can't tell when a girl is into me...
ME: I can see that about you.
LB: So, Lori, how do I know when a girl is interested in me?
ME: (Swallowing my tongue, thinking I'd like to slather him on toast like butter) Do you know why you're like that? Why you don't take the chance?
LB: Why?
ME: Because, it sucks when you're wrong.

Ugh. I'm such a moron. And then yesterday, the following happened:

LB: Guess what I'm doing tonight...
ME: (Here it comes, he's going on a date) No idea.
LB: Going to a charity thing.
ME: Hmmm.... (wondering what hot, skinny girl he's getting dressed up for).
LB: Well, my office is going, and I'm the only guy without a wife or a date. They always walk into my office and want to know if I'm going alone and I always say yes. I never have anyone to take.

(Yes, I know what you're thinking... perfect opportunity, right?)

What I should've said: I have no plans later and I can squeeze myself into a cocktail dress.
What I actually said: ( NOTHING. Seriously.)

I'm thinking I probably need a lobotomy soon.