As a result of my not-at-all embarrassing mammogram last week, I got to endure a biopsy this week to determine that the huge mass in my left breast is, in fact, a benign tumor. Many of you have been faithfully praying for me and checking on me and for that, I am eternally grateful. This whole experience has made me realize how very lucky I am to have such awesome friends and family.
It's also made me realize that I find humor in really weird things. During the past month, I've been examined by no less than five doctors, and I've lost what little bit of dignity I had left.
Today I went for a surgical consult. Yes, the tumor is benign, but it's growing rapidly and so I'm having it removed.
The surgeon brings along some sort of student. Intern, resident, random pervert, I'm not sure. Anyway, that means there are three people in the room while I'm getting my consult. Surgeon is giving the play-by-play to the student about doing a "corkscrew" method of breast exam (as opposed to the more popular "radio knob" method that most men use). He then starts to describe the tumor to the student, telling him how to tell the difference between a benign tumor and a malignant one.
Me, being the good sport that I am, say, "Do you want to feel?" to the student. He looks like a kid at Christmas and says, "You don't mind?" I reply, "Heck, I've been felt up by 15 people in the past three weeks. What's one more? Are there any random people walking down the hall who want to violate me?!?"
Doctor and nurse can't stop laughing at this point. I'm sure there's some sort of "wildly inappropriate" notation on my chart.
The surgeon later told me that he will try to do something cosmetically pleasing with the incision, but that some women were not happy after the surgery because there will be a scar. I said, "Well, I was going to pose for Playboy in January, but I suppose that's out."
I guess the blessing of this whole ordeal is that a few guys have gotten to second base with me the past few weeks. But none of them bought me dinner.
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12 comments:
Lori, you missed your calling in Stand Up.
I am so thankful for the "good news". (The benign part, not the part about everyone feeling of you). Love ya, Kat
OH, and of course, I'm SO GLAD you're boobie mass was benign. I've already told you that on the phone. So, I hope you didn't think I was an ass not mentioning it before when I went straight for the 'you're hilarious' for telling us about your being felt up by multiple males. :)
That was me, not Lonnie :)
Whew. I gotta say, I was a bit unnerved with Lon talking about my boobies. I mean, I know I live in Arkansas, but ick.
Thanks for the evening entertainment! My mom was laughing uncontrollably, and Stephen says you are a cheap date. Do you want to go out sometime?
Tell Stephen that all of my LinkedIn friends (all 45 of 'em) find me hilarious.
Today, I was having lunch with a guy friend, and I told him this story. Not only did he laugh, he proceeded to tell an even funnier story about a recent hernia exam. Yeah, even my friends are warped.
I predict that within the next month you will find a reason to get your () inspected.
This is an expensive way to get a thrill, but whatever floats your boat!
Actually, that's already scheduled for first week in November. Hopefully there won't be an audience this time.
I believe it's someone else we know who gets fresh with their ob-gyn. NOT Lori.
Meow, Jen. But true.
Lori...so glad about your good news! I am with Jen, you missed your calling on Stand-Up.!
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