Hold the pickles

It's been a manic week. Work has been going famously well, but last night I got a phone call about a traumatic event in a friend's life, and it made me really sad, so I was awake most of the night. I feel like I'm on emotional roller coaster. I can get through a funeral without crying, but I nearly lost it today when McDonald's put pickles on my hamburger.

Yes, I'm emotionally retarded.

Right now I'm packing for a weekend trip to Tulsa with friends. No major plans while I'm there except to hang out at the pool and relax. I had to buy a swimsuit for the first time in years. Top's a bikini, bottom's a skirt.

TGI-almost Friday!

Forward progress

For the second day in a row, I left the office at 7 p.m. Thankfully I got in half a workout this morning before work since I got home at 7:45 tonight, talked on the phone, then went to Lowe's to buy potting soil to replant my two new plants. They've already outgrown their lodging.

I had a very productive day. I love it when I get stuff done I need to do. Four things off my mile-long list.

And, three months later, I finally bought a FSBO sign for my front yard. I'm tired of commuting. I dread the packing and unpacking, but I'm ready to head east. Here's to making progress.

Man, when I finally move to Rogers, it's going to add so much free time!

Back to the ol' grind

It was great to get back to some semblance of normalcy today. I had a very productive afternoon of work. Got lots of stuff done before I left at 7, with a big long list of things to do tomorrow. I also got two workouts in, so hopefully my jeans won't be tight anymore in just a few days. My caloric intake today? Yogurt for breakfast, Little Debbie chocolate chip cake for lunch, and granola and cherries for dinner. I'm trying to make up for pigging out on ribs last night (no pun intended).

The fun news? I just booked two flights, one to Boston in November (woo-hoo!) for a conference, and one to Dallas in a couple of weeks to see my Hill Country family. Yeah, I'll have to drive an hour to the airport and two hours from Dallas to Temple, but it's 1/3 of the time in the car and I got a flight for 82 bucks roundtrip. Quite a deal.

Now I need to get ready for bed. These days it's really hard to go to sleep at night and really hard to wake up in the morning. When did I turn into a teenager?

More than 24 hours later, I'm still weirded out by my LB extravaganza yesterday. The boy made me dinner. He knows his way around the kitchen. And he sings to his houseplants. Song of choice? "Easy" by the Commodores. Seriously.

Missing from his mantle? Unicorns.

What inquiring minds want to know

Man, it's going to be hard to go back to work tomorrow. I slept 'til nearly 9 a.m. this morning. This afternoon, at the grocery store, LB asked me a question and I said, "Don't make me make a decision. I haven't had to make one in days." Yeah, I'm turning into one of those girls. Guess it's good I am going back to work. I do have all of those admissions emergencies to attend to.

I dusted off the yoga DVD this morning and it about killed me. I remember now that it's a lot harder than it looks. I don't lose weight as fast with yoga as I do with walking on the treadmill, but it does make me leaner and more toned. Or it would if I did it more than once a month. Upward facing dog and I were not friends this morning.

But my jeans were tight this afternoon, so that's going to take some work. Oreos are going in the trash. No more sloth for this chick. Starting tomorrow.

As for today? LB didn't take me out to dinner, he cooked me dinner. We went grocery shopping, and I sat on his kitchen counter like a pretty princess while I watched him do all the work. Then we sat in the living room and watched HGTV. All of this after listening to me drone on and on for an hour about my pathetic life and not offering one single solution to my problems (which, by the way, I love).

It's just so weird. We never discussed what happened, and it was like I just saw him yesterday. It was that comfortable.

I don't know who or if he's dating (I promised him I wouldn't act like a crazy bit#$ if he wouldn't talk about his GF). I have no idea what he's thinking or if he missed me. But he's trying to be a good friend. And yes, I still think he was a jerk to me about the girl. I have no illusions that this means anything. But at least I don't have to worry about running into him at Walmart anymore. Even if he is buying groceries to cook some other girl dinner.

Forgiveness... even if you don't love me anymore

The past few days have run the gamut of emotion. So much sadness, yet joy in knowing how many people truly care. It's in times like this that I am humbled by who God is. I am overwhelmed by His grace and His mercy, and His character of compassion shown by so many of His children. I am unequivocally blessed.

After several days of lethargy, I finally trekked over to Rogers yesterday for a much-needed massage and dinner with my good friend Kelly. It's weird sometimes to think back to how people come into our lives. I know Kelly because of my good pal and former roommate Sorne, but I know without a doubt that God gave me Kelly because she is my Barnabus... my encouragement and someone I can always depend on.

Today I went to a birthday party for a friend, then met Kelly and one of her friends for church. Tonight was communion and really an awesome service. I usually go on Sunday mornings, but have no doubt I was meant to be there this evening. (For more about that, visit the other blog.)

Earlier in the week I got a sympathy card from someone whom I've wronged, and it humbled me. It also made me start thinking about forgiveness. It takes so much energy to be angry. So I realized that sometimes forgiveness isn't about the forgiven so much as it's about the forgiver. It's easy to forgive someone who deserves it, but much more difficult and character-building to forgive someone who does not.

But if we really want to be more like Christ, isn't that what we should do? He forgave Judas. Not because of anything Judas had done, but because of who He is. I don't earn His forgiveness for my sin, either, but He gives it freely because that's God.

So I've decided to stop being mad. And yeah, LB doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He was a jerk. He hasn't been a good friend to me when I needed him most. But if I'm ever going to put some feet to this faith, I've got to live it when it's hard.

Olive branch extended. Dinner tomorrow. Much prayer needed.

Poor Dorothy

My aunt Kathy sent this to me. It's a real obituary. I'm all for honesty, but I hope my family doesn't write my obit like this.

Overwhelmed

There are so many things I could say right now, but I find myself at a loss. I am utterly and totally overwhelmed. I made it through the past few days without crying a tear, and I'm not sure if that makes me really strong, or really in denial.

My natural inclination to be task-oriented somehow gets me through the hard times. It's easier just to check things off the list and get through what has to be done than to sit around and ask questions or wonder why.

My family has experienced so much loss these past few years. I'm sad, but also feeling very blessed right now. There are moments that I feel so completely alone. But then I get a call or a text or a message from a friend and I realize that I am so very lucky to be surrounded by great people.

My dad was far from perfect, but it was gratifying yesterday to see how many people came out in the rain to pay tribute to him. The funeral director told us it was the biggest turnout he'd ever seen.

Thankfully work has been very supportive, so I have a few more days to catch up on sleep, feel sorry for myself, and finally start to grieve. I'm afraid if I start crying I won't be able to stop. And I know from losing my mom that grief isn't something that comes in waves and then subsides. It's the little things that remind us of those we lost. Yes, time does help, but it never goes away.

Just a few steps from where my dad was buried are Paige, Mom, and my grandfather. So much loss for one family, but so much love, too. I feel blessed to have had all of those people in my life, if only for awhile.

Thanks for all of your prayers. It means more than you can imagine.

Happy birthday, Taylor!

It's a very sad day. But it's also a happy day because it's Taylor's birthday. So happy 17th to the sweet little boy who turned into a great man. I couldn't be more proud!

Praise

Today, I'm praying for strength to lift up my arms in praise. He's always been faithful. He is worthy.

Our last Father's Day

A few weeks ago the awesome Shannon took some family photos for us. They're priceless.









I've been awake for over 21 hours, so I'm fading quickly. At this point we only know the service is Tuesday, but not sure what time. Details as I know them.

Thanks for the prayers!

Rest of the pics are here.

Life had other plans

I've recently been blessed to reconnect with a dear friend who's been absent from my life for too long. We were talking last night about the inherent surprise of life, and how many mornings we wake up in a world we didn't expect.

In the big scheme of things, I live a pretty charmed life. I love my job more days than I loathe it. I have friendships far beyond what I deserve. But I never thought I'd be here at this point in my life.

Perhaps because I'm not sure where here is exactly. I have no idea what the etiquette is of living as a middle-aged person. Do I shelve all ambition and coast until retirement? Do I continue to dream big dreams, make big plans, and frantically stave off the aging process? Should I give in to the sweatpants and early bird specials?

Take the newspaper for example. In my 20s, I was looking at wedding announcements. Soon it'll be the obits. Where do the 30 somethings look first? The stock market report is certainly depressing. So I find myself not reading the paper at all, instead getting my news from Comedy Central. It's less depressing when it's delivered in a pithy, sarcastic way.

Forgive me if this post seems sporatic, but I'm still bogged down in this constant state of life purgatory. It's hard to know when to grin and bear it and when to cut bait and run. Because really, at the end of the day, if we had all the things we wanted would it really make us happy, or would we want more things? Different things?

And sometimes, the things that make us worry turn out to not be so painful after all. Such as running into a boy you don't want to. Yeah, it was bound to happen sooner or later when I pass his house twice a day, but can't it be later, when I'm thinner, happier, and feeling more in control?

I'm still praying for peace and guidance.

I suppose that feeling of not being in control of my life is the hardest. I've always had a plan. Always known what I was doing. Now I have no idea. And where I am isn't a bad place, but I constantly wonder if it's the final destination or merely a pit stop made to increase my dependence on God. Give up control of my life.

I don't want to drive anymore.

Butt burgers?!?

Here I was, feeling good about moving to the cultural mecca of the great state of Arkansas, happily ensconced in the center of all that is good and sacred, and on my way to work today I see this. About a mile from my office. Fo' reals.

Won't you be my neighbor?

Smokey Smokerson has a cousin. And she lives across the street.

When I lived in Russellville, my mom was mortified that I didn't know my neighbors. Oh sure, I'd wave as I passed them on the street. I'd speak at the mailbox. But it's not like I invited them over for parties or borrowed cups of sugar.

I'm a very social person. On the Strenghthsfinder test, I have "woo" as one of my top strengths. Give me a room of 50, and I'll meet 49 of 'em. I am a social butterfly. I have a lot of contacts, meet people easily, and generally have no trouble making small talk with total strangers.

My downfall is that I don't have many deep, meaningful relationships. Don't get me wrong, I have several close friends and am fiercely loyal to those I love. It's just that moving from an casual acquaintance to a person I'll confide in is a giant leap. Unless you read the Drivel, of course.

So maybe that's why I never make an effort to know my neighbors' names. Instead, I give them all nicknames based on experiences or personal characteristics. To the east of me is the Fuller Family, so named because they each share a very large characteristic... one that follows them around everywhere they go. Mr. Fuller evidently is something of a mechanic, as he has several vehicles in varying stages of repair that he likes to park in front of my house. The Fullers' garage is, much like their dinner plates, always full of junk, making it impossible to park a vehicle in there. Mrs. Fuller does, however, enjoy sitting just outside of the garage door in a plastic lawn chair, yelling at Baby Fuller, who always needs his mouth washed and diaper changed. My favorite thing about the Fuller family, without a doubt, is Mr. Fuller's propensity to work on cars in the middle of the night. There's nothing like a revving engine to increase the ol' heart rate. Lucky for you all, tonight was one of those nights. So now I'm wide awake to update the Drivel. If you see Mr. Fuller, buy him a cheeseburger and pray for his cardiovascular health.

Chick to the west is a young college coed, and evidently one of the more popular ones at that. A bevy of vehicles take turns parking in her driveway nightly. I especially appreciate the loud crotch rocket that often pulls in after midnight. Couple that with Mr. Fuller's engine revving, and you've got the perfect storm of noise. College Coed does have a respite of visitors on Monday and Thursday mornings, when her grandfather comes by early to take out her trash. He doesn't realize that most of the trash frequenting the premisis is of the human form. I speak to him politely two mornings a week as I take out my own trash after squashing my own bugs.

Smokey and the Bandit Green directly across the street have some unusual habits. I'm unaware if they have a home-based business or merely benefit from some sort of economic stimulus plan, but they always seem to be home. The Greens (I call them that because they're from OK according to their car tags) are also unable to park in their garage. I venture to guess you couldn't fit a Q-tip in there, and I wonder if Mrs. Green would be better off to light a match (or a cigarette) rather than sort through the colossal pile of garbage that she keeps stored. Mr. Green likes to mow but not trim, which adds a certain unfinished appeal to the neighborhood. Mrs. Green chain smokes while talking on her cell phone sitting in the driveway in her pajamas. And when I say sitting, I mean she literally sits on the concrete. No chair. A few months ago, back when I was still speaking to LB, he was at my house for four hours or so, and she was sitting in the driveway when he got here and still sitting there when he left.

Oh, and Jose one street over really wanted to off-road in his ca. 1989 S10, so he spray painted "4x4" on the side of his truck. I'm thinking of painting "Mercedes" on the back of my Toyota. Just because you say it, doesn't make it so.

I'm sure there are some normal people in my neighborhood, but they don't live near me. I'm so ready to move.

Ah, elusive sleep. I'm considering making a lot of noise when my alarm goes off in four hours.

Things to do before I'm 40

Yesterday, while laying in bed like a slug all afternoon, I caught the Lifetime movie, "10 Things to do Before I'm 30." Premise is that a young woman (let's face it, 29 is very young) loses her job, breaks up with her boyfriend, goes to her mom's to find herself, and discovers a magic list in her hope chest of all the things she wanted to do before she turned 30. Spoiler alert... she did all of them, had an adventure, and married Mr. Right.

I know what you're thinking... yeah, but that's a stupid movie. A stupid Lifetime movie. Those things are always predictable, right? And life seldom turns out that way.

I work with a woman who is approaching a milestone birthday soon. Early last fall she was single with no prospects. Online dating. Sitting at home on Saturday night just like me. She told all of us she'd be married before this birthday and pregnant soon after.

Now I believe in the power of prayer more than most. And I know God says we have not because we ask not, but I seriously had my doubts about that timetable. But guess what? She's married. She's pregnant. List complete.

Confession time... while I profess to be happily single and obviously I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship (sorry, Dr. Love), I do pray every night that God will either send along my husband or take away my desire to have one. And one thing I discovered from the aforementioned blind date with Grandpa was that even if I'm okay with marrying older, I'm not ready to give up on motherhood. I know. You're all shocked.

Seriously, if God intends for me to remain barren, I'm okay with it. It's not like I'm visiting sperm banks or lowering my dating standards because my biological clock has so very few ticks left, but let's just say I'm not ready to shut that door.

Epiphany, party of one.

I don't know if it's all the self-awareness of late, but this past birthday was a tough one for me. For the first time, I feel really old. You know how you have all of those things that you think you'll do "someday?" Well someday has occured and those things just haven't happened. Oh, I know Geena Davis had twins at the ripe old age of 46, but let's face it, most of us can't or don't want to rear that old. Who wants the senior citizen and the kids discount at the same time? What if I break a hip during childbirth? Can you breastfeed if your boobs are at your knees?

Ok. In the spirit of positive thinking, I've decided to make myself a list of things to do in the next three years. And you, the four people or so who read this, are in charge of holding me accountable.

10 things to do before I'm 40:
1. Wear a bikini in public (this requires more weight loss and excessive exercise)
2. Visit NYC
3. Decide what I want to be when I grow up
4. Get out of debt completely (save mortgage and car)
5. Take a European vacation
6. Set a good example for the children in my life, even if they're not mine
7. Get a life, and stop working all the time
8. Live fearlessly and with spontaneity
9. Be open to the possibility that Mr. Right may be packaged in a way I don't expect
10. Spend more time with God, my family, and my friends

That's it. From my fingers to God's ears!

Smokey and the bandit

After a year and a half of staring at an empty wall behind my computer monitor at work, my new office is taking some getting used to. Granted, I pride myself in not being easily distracted since I spent four years in a fish bowl in Fort Smith where little kids would literallly smash their faces against my glass office wall, but this new setting is even weirder. My computer monitor sits in front of a glass wall, but it's two-way glass, meaning I can see out into the parking lot and interstate beyond, but the people outside can't see in. It's stragely disconcerning to watch people pick their nose, adjust their pantyhose, and generally do things they don't know I'm watching. I'm not quite sure why they wouldn't surmise that the reflective glass holds people with eyes inside. People like me, who need little encouragement to mock others.

Since we're in an office park, we have several neighbors. The one just to the south of us sells most of the country's cereal. They don't manufacture it there, but they do seem to have some stock, which causes an occasional rat problem. Ick.

The property management company instituted a "no smoking within 25 feet of the building" rule, which I love, but it has caused some issues for the cereal pushers next door. One such lady, whom we'll call Ms. Smokey Smokerson, now finds it necessary to leave her cubicle, walk out to her huge gas-guzzling SUV, and smoke with the windows up. Do you have any idea how addicted one must be to brave the massive summer heat in order to burn a butt multiple times a day? On Friday alone, she made three trips to the vehicle in two hours. And I'm not sure who's losing more productivity, her for the multiple smoke breaks, or me for watching this ritual over and over again.

Smokey always parks next to a Toyota Avalon with a very sensitive alarm. So, every time she enters or exits the Denali, the Avalon's alarm goes off. I'm not sure why this amuses me more, because it always makes her jump, or because she hasn't learned to park near a different, alarm-less vehicle. Seriously lady, ever hear the definition of insanity? Why does this alarm still surprise you?

Perhaps this week I'll find something else to watch. Or she'll learn to park near a different car. Or maybe she'll stop slowly poisoning herself with nicotine. Regardless, I need to stop laughing at her. Or maybe not.

On the road again

Just got back from Springfield. Went up there with some work peeps for a campus visit at EU. They have great facilities and were very hospitable.

This week has just flown by. Tomorrow's going to be a catch up day at the office, trying to get to all the things on my to-do list that have gotten passed over the rest of the week.

Nothing much to report, but I am back in love with my job, so that energizes me. I'm a lucky, lucky gal.

Happy 501st post!

This is my 501st post. Man, that's a lot of drivel.

Happy birthday today to the amazing Amanda! I went to Tulsa last night to meet her and Sarah at the Cheesecake Factory for a pre-birthday dinner (although she thought yesterday was actually her birthday, and she's only 22).

Speaking of birthdays, since mine was so crappy this year, I decided to start a new birthday tradition and bought myself an expensive new handbag today (thank you, VISA!). If I can't find a man to buy me nice things, I'll buy them for myself. Scratch that... if I can't find a man I WANT to buy me nice things... So I decided that was my new tradition. By the time I'm 60 I should have quite the collection. Not that I don't already...

Today's the first textless day in quite a while. Perhaps he's finally gotten the hint.

I'm finally crashing from my three-hour sleep stint on Monday, so I'm off to bed. I have a trip to Springfield tomorrow with my boss and some other peeps.

Happy Hump Day!

Signed, sealed, delivered... I am so NOT yours

"How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?"
~Angela Martin, "The Office"

For once, I identify with the tightly wound Angela. I mean, I've never sent a notarized letter, but I'm near needing some sort of restraining order. How many texts do I ignore before he gets the message? Seriously, if you want to get on my good side, don't text me at 7 a.m. on a Sunday. I am not awake. It does not endear you to me in any way.

Today was the first Monday I've worked in over a month, and this marks the first full week in nearly six. Plus five trips to Rogers. But I got a lot done today. I love my new office. I was turning into one of those bosses... the ones who are out of touch and don't know what people do on a daily basis. Our admin is on vacation this week and today was eye-opening. I mean, I knew she was all kinds of awesome, but I had no idea all of the junk that she deals with so I don't have to. I am humbled. I don't want to answer the phone anymore. No, I don't know where your class is. Where's my diet coke?

I also realized today how not good it is that I'm within walking distance of Target and the mall. It's super convenient to run errands at lunch, but not good for the ol' checkbook.

Dad and V came up after work to treat me to a belated birthday dinner, then I introduced V to my beloved Promenade. I'm sure my Dad is not pleased.

I was uber lazy this weekend, but I did get to see the Texas fam on the 4th, and I'm hoping Jen updates her blog soon with the story about burying the 60 lb. dog in a plastic box full of ice and leaving him in the kitchen overnight. On her birthday. Please, please forgive me for laughing, but that makes my own birthday experience seem less painful. Sure, no one came to my party, but at least nothing died. Except perhaps my dignity.

Tomorrow's another busy day, then it's off to Tulsa for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate Nanner's birthday. I walked four miles tonight in preparation.

And Christy, in case you're reading this, I promise to update the other blog soon. I'm praying for guidance!

Oh, and is anyone else sick of hearing about Michael Jackson? Over the weekend, Steve McNair was murdered, there is a serial killer loose in South Carolina, Roger Federer made tennis history, Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska, and our President is decreasing our nuclear capacity, yet Michael Jackson was the subject of the first ten stories on GMA this morning. People, let's get some perspective! He was talented, yet a freak. Let's not canonize him anytime soon.

Firm goodbyes and little white lies

Be careful what you wish for.

I've been praying for months--no, years--for an attentive male. Now I have one I can't get rid of.

After days and days of non-stop text messages, I'd finally had it last night. Three or four unanswered texts in as many hours, and he finally says, "You know, if you don't want to see me anymore, all you have to do is tell me."

Oh, I have told you. In a million subtle and passive ways, I've told you. I've ignored your texts and phone calls. I've resisted plans. Been vague and sporatic in my responses. Just this side of rude, I thought.

And yeah, I've been the girl in the past who says she wants to know why he lost interest, but in the end, turns out the harsh truth isn't always the kindest exit.

So I chose the path of least hard feelings, telling a little white lie about why I couldn't see him anymore. Lack of attraction, too much attention, and a general bad feeling seemed a little too harsh.

Turns out I may have spared his feelings too well. Today he offered to send me flowers. Tonight he called to find out about my day. Tomorrow I'm going to have to kill him.

Just kidding. Sort of.