Rest and relaxation

Boy, it's been a lazy weekend. I finally got out of bed at 3 p.m. this afternoon. Now I'm just watching a movie and dreading a long week.

Yesterday I dropped 600 bucks on new tires for the car. I also bought a wedding dress (to wear as a guest, not as a bride).

Nothing much to report from my exciting life. Just trying to get through the week and then flying to Lubbock on Saturday for a friend's wedding.

Can you believe it's already June? Where's the year gone?

Keeps getting better

Hopefully I'm on the road to recovery. I slept through the night last night for the first time in over a week. Yeah, I'm like an infant... I wake up hungry and need to go to the bathroom.

Today was uber productive for me at work. I got my desk semi cleaned off, and did two reports I've wanted/needed to do for almost six months. It's amazing how much you can accomplish when you don't have meetings. The next two days will be spent in the new office. Not looking forward to the commute, but can't wait for some human interaction.

Boy called earlier and I didn't answer. I called him back and he didn't answer. Just another exciting Wednesday night in my life. I hate that I get excited when I see that he's called.

I have to work late the next two nights, but at least they're both fun things. Thankfully Friday's pay day and I can finally get some new tires. My tread is gone and I have to pray every time it rains, which is pretty often as of late.

Boy, my life is thrilling, isn't it?

Dating and the divorcee'

Ladies, when you wade in the dating pool as long as I have, you're bound to date your share of the recently divorced. Oh sure, they're good people. Often they're quality guys who've had bad experiences and deserve a second chance at happiness. But I've come to learn that, even under the best of circumstances, this can be a tricky breed.

Granted, I learned early to master the plight of the ex-girlfriend, but ex-wife is a different species. Even if she boiled a rabbit, she still shared his last name. He loved her enough to say "'til death do us part." So you have to be very careful how much you say about her. Even if he's calling her a crazy, manipulative witch, fight the urge to join in. Because the next day he's going to be remembering how she helped him through the death of his grandmother. The weekend they spent at the beach. The honeymoon.

And often you find yourself wondering if it was really all her fault, or if instead of merely being a workaholic, he's emotionally unavailable. Did he learn his lessons, or is history doomed to repeat itself?

Sometimes, even after a particularly good time with you, she calls and wants to try again. And you find yourself wondering if he'll say yes.

Anybody know where I can find a rabbit?

Happy (belated) birthday, Sorne!

I'm a few days late, but I would be remiss to not wish a very happy birthday to my pal Sorne, one of the greatest people in the whole wide world! Happy belated birthday to my roomie. Can't wait to party in T-town.

Party on

Turns out LB did bring someone to the party. Me. And we had a really fantastic time. It's weird how everything's kind of back to normal except for the really large elephant in the room. It's funny how we can both pretend we never had that conversation. And it's even stranger how something can happen mere hours later to remind me that he really, really needs me to be his friend right now.

Maybe there's no romance. But knowing that I'm the one he calls when he needs to talk makes me happy. I'll take it for now.

I'm still coughing like crazy and I've been on antibiotics for seven days. Ugh. So tired of this. I've also been cooking and eating like crazy all weekend. I have to get back on the treadmill tomorrow.

Life goes on

It's day five of coughing, sniffling, sneezing, stuffy head, and fever. I've gone through three boxes of tissue and two packages of cough drops, but I think I'm on the downhill slide now. I have a short meeting in the morning, and I asked for the rest of the day off. That will give me three-and-a-half blissful days of rest and relaxation before getting back to work.

Sickness aside, I'm getting really tired of this life purgatory. There's so much to do and I don't have the energy for any of it. I need to sell my house but I haven't taken the time to buy the sign. I need to move my office but I haven't packed a single thing. I did leave something in my new office today, so I guess I'm slowly making progress.

Today was graduation from my leadership class which means no more monthly meetings and no more reason for LB and I to be around each other unless we choose to. I really hate that things are still awkward between us, but they totally are. I find myself not knowing what to say, not knowing how to act, and feeling weird. Obviously he feels the same way because we sat across from one another at lunch today and said about three words to each other. Lots of looks, very little conversation. Oh, I know we'll get past it, but it makes me sad. Really, really sad.

But tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow night's a party. With other friends and LB. Wonder if he'll bring a date...

Sneeze, sniffle, cough

Been in bed all day. Diagnosis? Sinusitis. That's good news considering I was around two people with strep this weekend.

I really, really need to go to work tomorrow, so I'm hoping my shot kicks in soon.

Best of 'Bo' Worlds

This is my niece, Hope, singing for us this weekend. Her new favorite song is "Best of 'Bo' Worlds" by Hannah Montana. No amount of talking could convince her that it was "both."

She also does a rousing rendition of "Girlfriend" by singing "I fink you meed a new one..." But she refused to do my personal favorite, "Low."

Had a great weekend with Brad and the kids. More later.

For sale by owner

Anyone know someone who wants to buy a nice house in beautiful Siloam Springs? The buyer is very motivated.

Rogers, here I come! Who likes to pack boxes?

Weekend update

First of all, Happy belated Mother's Day to all of the special women in my life. Yesterday was a sad day for me because I've really, really been missing my Mom lately. Mostly when I need to vent. Or when I need someone to tell me I'm really special, even if I don't feel special. So yesterday I was bummed because I miss Mom, but I was also grateful for all of the outstanding women God's given me to pick up the slack. My grandmother, who tells me to take care of myself (and makes me crazy). My aunt Kathy, who tells me what to do, but only when I ask. My surrogate Mom Estella, who teaches me how to cook and gives me work advice. Even friends like Sorne, Kelly, Alisa and Shauna, who are loyal to me, even when I'm a jerk. I am supremely blessed!

LB and I haven't kissed, but we did make up. We're making our way back to being really good friends and figuring out what that means for us. He's really an amazing, wonderful person and I'm lucky to have him in my life in any capacity. I mean that. (Of course, that doesn't mean I'm ready to go to his wedding, but I'll get there.) If nothing else, this past week has proven to me how much I mean to him, which is flattering.

Work continues to be a big struggle, but I'm trying to learn my lessons. I've made a lot of mistakes these past few months and some of the things I've had to do haven't been easy. But sometimes you have to speak out, even if it's hard. Sometimes you have to be silent, even when you don't want to be. And sometimes you have to take the blame for things that aren't your fault. I suppose that's part of being an adult.

Ugh. I can't believe it's Monday. Long week ahead! And five days of more rain is really gonna suck.

Putting on my big girl panties

I don't want to be an adult anymore. I hate the decisions. I hate hurting other people. I hate paying bills.

I want recess!

The past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life. And, trust me, that means a lot coming from me, the queen of losing people I love. And it's not even about the boy so much. It's more about feeling like a failure. Feeling like a bad person. And not knowing what to do to fix it.

Sometimes things can't be fixed. Often life sucks. I know God's trying to teach me something. But as Mother Theresa once said, "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. Sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much."

It's not me, it's you

Dear boy,

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is not a nice thing to say. It ranks right up there with "it's not you, it's me" and "I think you're great, but..."

I hate the "but...."

Your being a nice guy makes it harder. Calling me after I tell you not to is not acceptable. When I tell you I need time, that means more than 12 hours. And even if you tell me repeatedly how much I mean to you and how you can't live without me, even if you cry when you say it, it's still little solace. It doesn't make me feel sexy or desirable, but merely empty.

And yeah, I acknowledge that this is probably harder for you than it is for me, but that's the breaks. Especially when you've broken my heart, even if you never meant to. Even if it's the last thing you ever wanted to do, that's what happened.

I'm sorry that you're devastated that I'm ignoring you. But it's the only way I can move on. And move on I shall.

I am taking control of this relationship at last.

After all, I have plenty of friends. Even if you don't.

Get bent,
The girl

Diamonds are forever, or at least for tonight

So we had "the talk." And while it certainly didn't go the way that I wanted it to, I'll be okay. At least now I know.

It's been a long, weird day. I'm sure I'll share some more details at a later date, but I'm still a bit raw from the whole thing. So, in the meantime, here are some pics from the party. Party was fun. Afterwards, not so much.

I'm not so sure what I'm doing with my hand here.



Yeah, the sweater's a bit casual, but it was really cold last night!